By Maeve Costello, 16, Rocky River High School, Rocky River, Ohio
High school dances are the time for partying with friends, finally making eye contact with that crush from third period, and hearing bad, overplayed music. Compiled here are three song choices that don’t belong on the playlist for any high school dance.
“Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull opens with Mr. Worldwide inviting us to meet him at the hotel room where we can bring our girlfriends and forget about our boyfriends. Although it’s a catchy song that I can practically hear my classmates shrieking in my ear right now, it’s a bit of a strange choice for a school dance. As much as we’d all like to be going to some elaborate after-party clad in our Dillard’s junior wear, we all know that nobody’s going to the “hotel, motel, Holiday Inn.” We’re all going back to a friend’s house where someone’s Mrs. George-esque mother will greet us at the front door and ask for all the “hot gossip” before we descend to the basement and eat the snacks that have been prepared for us while watching throwback episodes of Barbie’s Life in the Dreamhouse, the closest to any ritzy establishment any of us will ever get. Catchy, sure. But relatable? For high school students? Far from it.
Next, Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” has its nostalgia factor, one of the main reasons it is sure to appear on the set list for any wedding, dance, or other event involving an amateur DJ. But why is it so popular, especially for the dance floor? This song is completely un-danceable. As soon as anyone hears the opening strains of this mellow soft-rock hit, the excited bouncing up and down is sure to cease as everyone softly smiles and pretends to be happy to hear America’s unofficial national anthem. Optimists will try to raise the energy by shredding their vocal cords braying the lyrics, but now it’s not a dance. This is a group of 16-year-olds acting like someone’s drunk aunt at a wedding, clumsily attempting to mimic the horns in the background by shrieking “BOM BOM BOM.” This is no longer a high school dance. Instead, the party has taken on more of a depressing karaoke feel, ruining the rush of youthfulness with which the night began.
Finally, we have “Cha Cha Slide,” a one-hit-wonder by DJ Casper. In this hit from 2000, the singer commands the audience to take part in basic movements — a sobriety test set to a funky beat, if you will. This dance may have been cool at one point, but it is long past its heyday. Nowadays, this song only evokes a confused reaction from a teenage crowd, most unsure if it’s time to get funky (funky funky funky) or if it’s time to go to the bathroom and take a mirror selfie with the gals. The once lively dance floor becomes a puzzled mob, trying to decide if it’s cool or dorkish to clap, clap, clap their hands. Looking around the room, Cathy from AP Honors Advanced Academic Class is getting down with her bad self, cha-cha-ing real smooth, but the rest of us don’t know if we are to join Cathy, or stand here or go home or what, and now the refreshments line is too long.